Saturday, August 9, 2008

things happen and at times hurt

something happened last night when i was exploring a new blog site ... it pretty much hurt my feelings pretty badly and shook up my trust ... i know i have some unrealistic feelings connected to trust . and that i am at times overreactive .... but right now there is too much anger and hurt to see clearly yet ... i'm withdrawing from the main blogs i have depended on for support and am simply going to wait upon the lord for answers ... one person i will be keeping in touch with through email ...

maby i simply need a rest period or that i need to walk away from blogs other than this one ... yet i'm fully aware that most likely no one ever stumbles into here and reads this stuff ...

i was forced to be a loner as a child . school was a place of daily hummiliation and rejections . it's simply difficult to admit to turning 50 and admit that even tho people like me , respect me and truely care about me my physical disabilitys cause this void of being slid to the side , and their lives go on and mine is we me us in this d.i.d. system being lost and lonely ... people have their own lives and that they are busy and it's simply very easy to forget that someone is there alone with alot of excess time with almost no social life .

i hate posting these things because we feel like we are filled with self pity then post asking others to pity us too ... but where does lonely cross into feeling abandoned ? maby this is simply part of a lesson god is teaching us ... but it hurts ....

someday we will look back and think ... boy were we being full time jerks or what ... for men can be their very own worst critics ...
we have so many things to be gratefully happy about ... and here we are focusing on the negative stuff . but we simply can't ignore them . to do that stuff them into a small box . and if keep stuffing it the box does not grow it will explode into a very serious crisis ...

i'm starting to sleep way too much to escape these thoughts ... so ... as i start to feel the tension squeeze into a bad headache and the hurt growing sharper ... i'm about done for the day .... one more nap to escape to the places that once held brutal nightmares . yet as recovery grew nightmares shrank and i know there will be some silly goffy dreams to possibly help heal the wounded heart ...

i know i an not and should not be the center of anyones attention except my hubby as he is mine ... but the phone seldom rings and there is never any snail mail .. and emails that are not a reply from something we i sent are pretty rare too .... i don't think this is self pity any longer but a despondancy of wishing for someone to make the effort to call us first . to email us first to feel like i have something interesting to talk about and to simply feel wanted ... facts and feelings often conflict ... i know i am wanted liked trusted and respected .... i feel so lonely and forgotten it's painful ... it's not being a wimp to write this because these are things we don't often speak about or journal about or post on a blog about ... it's taken time and courage to put this where anyone can see .... i'm not the only one in this world feeling this ... but have learned to just bottle it up and not tell anyone because other people imply or outright say stop acting like a baby ... self pity is so disgusting blah blah blah ...

i we hurt , we hurt from cronic lonelyness .... in this super busy world some of us for reasons we did not create and can not control get slid off to the side and semi forgotten because this next task must be complete by 5:00 pm or the boss will really yell at me .... or this or that is overdue blah blal blah ..

sorry . this is where my head is at right now ...

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