things happen and at times hurt

something happened last night when i was exploring a new blog site ... it pretty much hurt my feelings pretty badly and shook up my trust ... i know i have some unrealistic feelings connected to trust . and that i am at times overreactive .... but right now there is too much anger and hurt to see clearly yet ... i'm withdrawing from the main blogs i have depended on for support and am simply going to wait upon the lord for answers ... one person i will be keeping in touch with through email ...

maby i simply need a rest period or that i need to walk away from blogs other than this one ... yet i'm fully aware that most likely no one ever stumbles into here and reads this stuff ...

i was forced to be a loner as a child . school was a place of daily hummiliation and rejections . it's simply difficult to admit to turning 50 and admit that even tho people like me , respect me and truely care about me my physical disabilitys cause this void of being slid to the side , and their lives go on and mine is we me us in this d.i.d. system being lost and lonely ... people have their own lives and that they are busy and it's simply very easy to forget that someone is there alone with alot of excess time with almost no social life .

i hate posting these things because we feel like we are filled with self pity then post asking others to pity us too ... but where does lonely cross into feeling abandoned ? maby this is simply part of a lesson god is teaching us ... but it hurts ....

someday we will look back and think ... boy were we being full time jerks or what ... for men can be their very own worst critics ...
we have so many things to be gratefully happy about ... and here we are focusing on the negative stuff . but we simply can't ignore them . to do that stuff them into a small box . and if keep stuffing it the box does not grow it will explode into a very serious crisis ...

i'm starting to sleep way too much to escape these thoughts ... so ... as i start to feel the tension squeeze into a bad headache and the hurt growing sharper ... i'm about done for the day .... one more nap to escape to the places that once held brutal nightmares . yet as recovery grew nightmares shrank and i know there will be some silly goffy dreams to possibly help heal the wounded heart ...

i know i an not and should not be the center of anyones attention except my hubby as he is mine ... but the phone seldom rings and there is never any snail mail .. and emails that are not a reply from something we i sent are pretty rare too .... i don't think this is self pity any longer but a despondancy of wishing for someone to make the effort to call us first . to email us first to feel like i have something interesting to talk about and to simply feel wanted ... facts and feelings often conflict ... i know i am wanted liked trusted and respected .... i feel so lonely and forgotten it's painful ... it's not being a wimp to write this because these are things we don't often speak about or journal about or post on a blog about ... it's taken time and courage to put this where anyone can see .... i'm not the only one in this world feeling this ... but have learned to just bottle it up and not tell anyone because other people imply or outright say stop acting like a baby ... self pity is so disgusting blah blah blah ...

i we hurt , we hurt from cronic lonelyness .... in this super busy world some of us for reasons we did not create and can not control get slid off to the side and semi forgotten because this next task must be complete by 5:00 pm or the boss will really yell at me .... or this or that is overdue blah blal blah ..

sorry . this is where my head is at right now ...

feeling fine ... really great day

mmmmmmmmmmmmmkkk ok ok trying out fonts can anyone explaine webdings .... not especially computer literate yet but uhhhh whaz this <----

hello i am one of riskherds sheep ... i have been within vacationing for a moderately longish period of time ... the technicaly vacation was i had insider watch / guard duty . keeping things calm and fairly well under control ... so only been back a few days and wasn't aware we had goten a computer . we have our own personal geek squad giveing me a tour of computer junk ... think i'm really going to like this alot ...

so my introduction is ... my name is adam and i am one of the ones with higer authority ... when there are many within one mind there has to be a set structure and ones who through hard work and reliable behaviors on a consistant basis become boss peoples ... growing up and during the starts of the others there are some structures and those who are bossy ... but the structures are more because of the abuses and the bossy guys are basicall those who are stronger and be bullys ..

getting into therapy and getting through the denial brat stage and the holy hell this is really real state of shock are first stages we had ... then came the hardest thing to ever do , the it's time to tell this therapist person things that were drilled in as never tell never tell ,<><>to tell was the ultimate danger . now here we go once a week to tell .

thank god our first thetrapist was a qualified therapist who is also a pastor ... we worked with him 10 years and is probibly the biggest reason we could contine with therapy then once no more t we kept up our pretty high functioning level ...

god in his infinate wisdome stratgically placed people places and things within our real recovery . as a new concept time of adjusting who were simply the best person to help us at each time new people were introduced ... the fact our first therapis was also a pastor was really the most important thing . like i said big big part of our recovery .

too many people 23 years ago were so narrow minded we were confroned buy possibly well meaning christians as being demon possesed ... if i had been the pastor therapist would have seen this ... it gave us some peace of mind about this .... later as we made progress ....

some may wonder how anyone so abused could even entertain the belief god was real and is a god of love ... for each person with a history of such sevear abuse and find true faith ... have done so for their own reasons . as for me / us ///// we needed to belive in a power greater than abuse hate rage pain ... a god who understands and will be closely connected with love ...when we ponder upon our past we can say yes this is where god protected us or saved us .

god gave mankind free will thus some humans are abusive or any kind of wrong behaviors in the end it this we make our own choices we make our own decisions to pay for the consiquences of our actions ... and in our belif system d.i.d. is no valid excuse to act out commit crimes ect

need to go . glucose level feels too high or two low test time

still feeling a bit ill but other than that ok

when someone with d.i.d. can say that their day went pretty good or really well is an accomplishment ... we have so many triggers to navigate around and things that are easy for other people can be absolutely tougher n too tough . yet somehow we make it through the day mostly intact ... today my physical is feeling sick but my mind is in a good space . i'll take a good in the mind day over feeling healthy physically any day ... but the limitations with my physical disabiltys can become too much . .... right now simply very tired because even tho i was feeling sick i've put in a full days work ... not only with the art but on the book and other things that become very tireing .... i really need to rest and simply veg out before it's time to begin the nightly get everyone feeling safe and ready to sleep routiene .... i'm 7 min late so this is another short one ....

and dude above us has started his slamming and crashing in some kind of angryness . he can keep it up all night ... keeping both my husband and i awake ...

been a bit off lately .

my allergys are acting up and feel drained of all energy . few more months i'll be feeling so much better ... celebrated my big 50 . hubby got us a really nice study bible so have some exploreing in it to do ....

wish i had more energy but right now simply need to get my art toys put away and rest before bed . sounds kinda silly ... needing rest before bed . the deal is so many things in my / our past have caused some pretty serious sleep disorders .....

i meditate and pray as i try to find the best centered mind set that keeps the memorys away and then fall asleep ... until late this is about all the energy i have