many changes / most bad

my life has taken a drastic turn . i just lost my soul mate husband to cancer . been busy as his care taker and feel his loss too deeply .

don't know what i'll end up doing except still be the artist and try to manage liveing alone again after years with a love filled relationship .

the others inside are very quiet while they also adjust to this great loss .

sleeping alot and have to be reminded to eat by my new and wonderful neighboor . she made a huge spag and meat sauce which was really good . she's old enough to be my mom so i tease her about being her new kid and she seems to like that . it takes some of the pain from looseing my beloved husband ,...

we all in the systems are grieveing each in their own ways .... the kids are being so quiet to them he was their daddy and they can't understand why god decided he needed their daddy up in heaven . it's hard trying to explain because us teens and adults asn't sure why either ...

but we feel thankful because he was really suffering grat pain and was slowly looseing contact with the world around him . i'd rather feel hurt here than watch him suffer so much .

his suffering had taken over his whole life . that was all there was pain and confusion . we all miss him but also understand that kind of suffering needed to end ....

so now i have to regain my composure and redefine my life as a widow and find new things to place where we had our shared life . i don't expect this to be very easy . but be very hard .

i still feel him close and his love reaching out to me . this really helps when tears begin to flow yet again