insideoutside

many changes / most bad

2009-08-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

my life has taken a drastic turn . i just lost my soul mate husband to cancer . been busy as his care taker and feel his loss too deeply .

don't know what i'll end up doing except still be the artist and try to manage liveing alone again after years with a love filled relationship .

the others inside are very quiet while they also adjust to this great loss .

sleeping alot and have to be reminded to eat by my new and wonderful neighboor . she made a huge spag and meat sauce which was really good . she's old enough to be my mom so i tease her about being her new kid and she seems to like that . it takes some of the pain from looseing my beloved husband ,...

we all in the systems are grieveing each in their own ways .... the kids are being so quiet to them he was their daddy and they can't understand why god decided he needed their daddy up in heaven . it's hard trying to explain because us teens and adults asn't sure why either ...

but we feel thankful because he was really suffering grat pain and was slowly looseing contact with the world around him . i'd rather feel hurt here than watch him suffer so much .

his suffering had taken over his whole life . that was all there was pain and confusion . we all miss him but also understand that kind of suffering needed to end ....

so now i have to regain my composure and redefine my life as a widow and find new things to place where we had our shared life . i don't expect this to be very easy . but be very hard .

i still feel him close and his love reaching out to me . this really helps when tears begin to flow yet again

things happen and at times hurt

2008-08-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

something happened last night when i was exploring a new blog site ... it pretty much hurt my feelings pretty badly and shook up my trust ... i know i have some unrealistic feelings connected to trust . and that i am at times overreactive .... but right now there is too much anger and hurt to see clearly yet ... i'm withdrawing from the main blogs i have depended on for support and am simply going to wait upon the lord for answers ... one person i will be keeping in touch with through email ...

maby i simply need a rest period or that i need to walk away from blogs other than this one ... yet i'm fully aware that most likely no one ever stumbles into here and reads this stuff ...

i was forced to be a loner as a child . school was a place of daily hummiliation and rejections . it's simply difficult to admit to turning 50 and admit that even tho people like me , respect me and truely care about me my physical disabilitys cause this void of being slid to the side , and their lives go on and mine is we me us in this d.i.d. system being lost and lonely ... people have their own lives and that they are busy and it's simply very easy to forget that someone is there alone with alot of excess time with almost no social life .

i hate posting these things because we feel like we are filled with self pity then post asking others to pity us too ... but where does lonely cross into feeling abandoned ? maby this is simply part of a lesson god is teaching us ... but it hurts ....

someday we will look back and think ... boy were we being full time jerks or what ... for men can be their very own worst critics ...
we have so many things to be gratefully happy about ... and here we are focusing on the negative stuff . but we simply can't ignore them . to do that stuff them into a small box . and if keep stuffing it the box does not grow it will explode into a very serious crisis ...

i'm starting to sleep way too much to escape these thoughts ... so ... as i start to feel the tension squeeze into a bad headache and the hurt growing sharper ... i'm about done for the day .... one more nap to escape to the places that once held brutal nightmares . yet as recovery grew nightmares shrank and i know there will be some silly goffy dreams to possibly help heal the wounded heart ...

i know i an not and should not be the center of anyones attention except my hubby as he is mine ... but the phone seldom rings and there is never any snail mail .. and emails that are not a reply from something we i sent are pretty rare too .... i don't think this is self pity any longer but a despondancy of wishing for someone to make the effort to call us first . to email us first to feel like i have something interesting to talk about and to simply feel wanted ... facts and feelings often conflict ... i know i am wanted liked trusted and respected .... i feel so lonely and forgotten it's painful ... it's not being a wimp to write this because these are things we don't often speak about or journal about or post on a blog about ... it's taken time and courage to put this where anyone can see .... i'm not the only one in this world feeling this ... but have learned to just bottle it up and not tell anyone because other people imply or outright say stop acting like a baby ... self pity is so disgusting blah blah blah ...

i we hurt , we hurt from cronic lonelyness .... in this super busy world some of us for reasons we did not create and can not control get slid off to the side and semi forgotten because this next task must be complete by 5:00 pm or the boss will really yell at me .... or this or that is overdue blah blal blah ..

sorry . this is where my head is at right now ...

feeling fine ... really great day

2008-08-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

mmmmmmmmmmmmmkkk ok ok trying out fonts can anyone explaine webdings .... not especially computer literate yet but uhhhh whaz this <----

hello i am one of riskherds sheep ... i have been within vacationing for a moderately longish period of time ... the technicaly vacation was i had insider watch / guard duty . keeping things calm and fairly well under control ... so only been back a few days and wasn't aware we had goten a computer . we have our own personal geek squad giveing me a tour of computer junk ... think i'm really going to like this alot ...

so my introduction is ... my name is adam and i am one of the ones with higer authority ... when there are many within one mind there has to be a set structure and ones who through hard work and reliable behaviors on a consistant basis become boss peoples ... growing up and during the starts of the others there are some structures and those who are bossy ... but the structures are more because of the abuses and the bossy guys are basicall those who are stronger and be bullys ..

getting into therapy and getting through the denial brat stage and the holy hell this is really real state of shock are first stages we had ... then came the hardest thing to ever do , the it's time to tell this therapist person things that were drilled in as never tell never tell ,<><>to tell was the ultimate danger . now here we go once a week to tell .

thank god our first thetrapist was a qualified therapist who is also a pastor ... we worked with him 10 years and is probibly the biggest reason we could contine with therapy then once no more t we kept up our pretty high functioning level ...

god in his infinate wisdome stratgically placed people places and things within our real recovery . as a new concept time of adjusting who were simply the best person to help us at each time new people were introduced ... the fact our first therapis was also a pastor was really the most important thing . like i said big big part of our recovery .

too many people 23 years ago were so narrow minded we were confroned buy possibly well meaning christians as being demon possesed ... if i had been the pastor therapist would have seen this ... it gave us some peace of mind about this .... later as we made progress ....

some may wonder how anyone so abused could even entertain the belief god was real and is a god of love ... for each person with a history of such sevear abuse and find true faith ... have done so for their own reasons . as for me / us ///// we needed to belive in a power greater than abuse hate rage pain ... a god who understands and will be closely connected with love ...when we ponder upon our past we can say yes this is where god protected us or saved us .

god gave mankind free will thus some humans are abusive or any kind of wrong behaviors in the end it this we make our own choices we make our own decisions to pay for the consiquences of our actions ... and in our belif system d.i.d. is no valid excuse to act out commit crimes ect

need to go . glucose level feels too high or two low test time

still feeling a bit ill but other than that ok

2008-08-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

when someone with d.i.d. can say that their day went pretty good or really well is an accomplishment ... we have so many triggers to navigate around and things that are easy for other people can be absolutely tougher n too tough . yet somehow we make it through the day mostly intact ... today my physical is feeling sick but my mind is in a good space . i'll take a good in the mind day over feeling healthy physically any day ... but the limitations with my physical disabiltys can become too much . .... right now simply very tired because even tho i was feeling sick i've put in a full days work ... not only with the art but on the book and other things that become very tireing .... i really need to rest and simply veg out before it's time to begin the nightly get everyone feeling safe and ready to sleep routiene .... i'm 7 min late so this is another short one ....

and dude above us has started his slamming and crashing in some kind of angryness . he can keep it up all night ... keeping both my husband and i awake ...

been a bit off lately .

2008-08-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

my allergys are acting up and feel drained of all energy . few more months i'll be feeling so much better ... celebrated my big 50 . hubby got us a really nice study bible so have some exploreing in it to do ....

wish i had more energy but right now simply need to get my art toys put away and rest before bed . sounds kinda silly ... needing rest before bed . the deal is so many things in my / our past have caused some pretty serious sleep disorders .....

i meditate and pray as i try to find the best centered mind set that keeps the memorys away and then fall asleep ... until late this is about all the energy i have

just a short note

2008-07-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

feeling pretty good today ... physicall eh could be better but emotionally good ... talked to my daughter on the phone , she's fine . hubby and i are pertending to watch tv . nothing on either of us like very much . and it's very close to my best productive time of the day so there's a pix i'm working on . trying to decide just where it's asking to go ....

i / we are tired tho . this allergy thing is pretty tough physically because it really effects my breathing .... last week has been a total bust fighting the pollen . might have to get a nebulizer from my dr ....

well gotta run the cough has started and hard to get good aim for the keyboard ....... ohhhh mercy my Lord have mercy

a new day - new potentials

2008-07-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

been slacking off with our art lately .. we try to spend time everyday with it as a job like anyother job . it's not being stuck in a dry zone , it's things have gotten busy with other needs being met .

we are simply waiting patiently for god to open up the best apt for all the diffrent needs it will have to contain ... art work space .... crafting space , hubby's space ect ... we simply don't want to hurry up and rush into a place that can't fit our needs ... we know from experence to wait for god's plans is the most important way to get what we really need and not simply settle for second rate junk ....

with my seasonal allergys acting up it's really exhausting and tend to sleep alot because breating seems so much easier ....last night just getting to sleep was hard . had alot of diffrent things to sort out and process . some fantastic like the voc rehab working out so well and some more difficult things ... once we fell asleep we really got some quality sleep .

sleep is a problem for people with d.i.d. many nights the fear of sleep is simply too overwhealming . once asleep the dreams take on a haunting and frightening quality where staying up seems like a really much better plan .because i no longer am in therapy we really need to rely on god even more ...

few years ago kept getting this nagging compulsion about ptsd and how it was the most horriable aspects of trying to sleep . it had been this way our whole life .... at the same time was this driveing need to understand the nature of time too .... a few were researching this ptsd thing others were doing time on the nature of time and then others were dealing with the constant barrage of nightmares like ptsd events when asleep .... this took alot of time and we were takeing turns on the computer for info ... it came down to this

ptsd is past experences that somehow invaded the present through triggers and felt like we were really experenceing this in the present . but that wasn't ralistically possible because time once gone into the past can't enter the present ever again ... time is linear and always moves forward ...

bed time wasn't good mom used to tuck us kids in with a morbid thot and i'm going to kill you in your sleep tonight . obviously she didn't but she started this when we were so young we fully believed one night she'd really do it .... this three hold set of studys at the same time gave us a key answer .... that the ptsd at any point in the day was more like nightmares while awake , because they were past events thus can not really be being experenced ... that time moveing forward gives us a great oppertunity to learn new things and realize that the flashbacks were only very bad memorys and we could learn to control them not them to control us .... and nightmares are real but ... we really began to prey and meditate every night that our father would deliver us from all three issues .... faith walking this .

it took a long time , not because the lord wasn't helping because he was . but our beliefs in these bad things were much stronger than our faith at the start of this . for our whole life it was a nightly battle to fall asleep just to have terrors when sleeping .... as we began to understand better and understand god being more than able to change things we then started to sleep better and not go into the prebed panics ... our dreams began to not all be nightmares and .... now we sleep more peacefully and are not flooded with nightmares ... yes we worked hard on this but ...

it was our lord god who gave us what we needed to begin to believe that he could heal this terror of sleep ... our working to figure things out ended up giveing us skills we could then take and adapt to other things in our life .... one learned lesson leading into another needed thing ....

faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen heb 11:1 the lord has proven this to be truth so often in our life .... so now i'll simply goof off for the rest of the evening .....

about my blog name ...riskherd

2008-07-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

the name riskherd is because somewhere in this last 50 years we learned to take risks ... with d.i.d. this can be so very hard .... herd has two meanings ... we are alot of folks in one head thus a herd ... more important our shepherd is the Lord and we try to live a life we can go to bed at night with as little shame for our actions of the daylight hours ... as a person i can not even try for perfection ... that is simply impossible ... only our Lord was perfect ... we in this body simply try to follow him . try to understand life through our faith in him and his loveing kindness ....

many people would probibly say how can you believe in god when you were so utterly abused ? simply this Jesus was also hurt and abused to purchace us back for father god ... he understands ...

most of my therapy was christian with a therapist who was also a pastor .... his teachings and support have brought us to a point of healing where we no longer believe suicide is the only way out . where we can remember things and most are happy ... yes the painfilled memorys are still there but the lord has provided us with a new ability to focus on the good things in life .

our life is full and rich with many blessings . we have an artistic talent that many people consider very awesome and when we feel less stress we are also skilled in writeing too ..... we have been trying to figure out how to point this blog where we want the focus to be .... we have also been working up the courage to really relate just the truth of how and who gave us this high level of healing .... we want to help others to understand about d.i.d. i was doing some research earlier and one person of aprox 100 have some form of this ... it's not some obscure strange thing . many people had learned to cope well enough they arn't really aware of haveing this ....

where as i knew for most of my life there were others inside and simply assumed everyone else had others too .... for a short few years we were not aware . then a major crisis crashed the whole deal and we had to get help .... we were lost alone and had no idea who or how to get help ...

then god stepped in and there was our pastoral therapist .... we learned to get along inside to co--operate communicate and hold fast to the faith we had from early childhood .... these sheep may be my herd but we have given the lord ourselves and faith walk as we do our best to follow him .... there are times we mess up so bad and feel rotten about it ... yet the lord still finds blessings to provide us with ... faith walking is a slight risk , if you hold fast to the faith that god will provide and come rescue us when we get stupid and blow it ....

he is true love and pure forgiveness ... he our god is an awesome god and he will hear everyone who calls upon his name ... it's not that he makes stuff super easy all the time it's he's right there when we remember to call upon him for help ... the struggles give us room to grow stronger and learn new abilitys ... so as my big 50 is soon to come to visit we want to be as open about our faith and our daily doings ....

with to hope to help others to understand a problem with mental health , haveing a mental illness is not a crime is not a sin and many people have them yet feel they have to hid them to be accepted ... this is simply not true . the people who might walk away or not accept it are not very good friends in the first place ...

i have not hidden my d.i.d. for close to 15 years now . it was too hard to keep track of what lame excuses i'd given to all the diffrent people ... i have plenty of very good friends , an awesome husband a loveing daughter and a family who accepts me .... what more can anyone ask for ... people who are scared about it ... may stay away or keep trying to understand this thing ... don't listen to the media that trys to sensationalize this ... most of us could be sitting next to you on the bus and you could have a brief chat and you would never know that that person has mpd / d.i.d.

arugh the new place really stunk .

2008-07-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

no joke there was a really disgusting smell and it was a bit slum like .... no way we'll ever move there . but we have my case manager helpimg us find a new place ... and have really good references so there is nothing to worry about ... it was also small and crampped . not a place anyone would want to call home ....

mostly things are going well for us . not feeling so good physically . but on another new cholesterol med and sevear asthma . had to move the computer into ac land .... tryed to avoid that ... seems when i'm not able to sleep i log on ... get interested in stuff and miss out on sleep ...

last night the guy upstars was stomping and storming around again like almost every night . the reason we want to move ... just tired of getting woken up . land lord won't help and what can the police do ????

so need to rest . had to go outside and my asthma is still acting up ... boo hoo ---- not really .

trying to learn computer stuff

2008-07-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

the help button at sites and tutorials are very helpful . right now just mucking about because tomorrow we go to see about our new apt and a bit nervous ... can't post much ... allergys again .

just useing the tools we have to keep stressing out to a minimum .... learned how to post a pix to here so probibly will add some colors here tomorrow ...

summer ain't no fun .

2008-07-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

for me summer is no fun . because of some problems with my birth i have to be very careful not to get overheated ... in the summer , even here in the northern area i'm so sensitive i end up sitting in the room with the ac and can only roam out for short periods of time .... sevear asthma but only in the summer .... it's starting to cool down a bit , trying to air out my room and get some time out in the rest of the apt .... we keep the computer in the liveing room because our neighbors are less than ......

we will be moveing very soon to a much better apt . for disabled ... i don't walk so good either . i try to not dwell on these things but this last few days have been really hot ....

i / we in this body / mind system have plenty of things to keep us busy . actually more than plenty ... working on a journal form book called letters to my sister . she's colaberateing ... then the art stuff and crafts ... tonight we are working on a tshirt done in pointalism ie the art of painting in all dots ... there are alot of other things too .

with the other personalitys there are many diffrent interests and finding time for others to have time out to play is at times difficult ... so we have based it on earning things like time out or to get to pick what we will snack on ... clothing bought and when it's worn . useing this has had the real benifit of developing internal cooperation . say a few decide that they want to do the same thing they will join into the work to earn this activity ... works very well for us .

our time out of the ac room grows short ... post again soon .

things taught way too young

2008-07-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

part of starting this blog is trying to break some of the lessons from abuse ... my mom was really parinoid about putting anything in writeing .... each time she's have to write anything if one of my brothers or i were there she said . "never put anything into writeing , people can prove you said it " as a kid i'd think so who cares if we need bread milk eggs cheese .... and if writeing is this really really bad thing why do we go to the library all the time and we all get books to go home to read ?

but there was one benifit ... she included our homework in this so eh ... got out of doing alot of my school homework ... but i had set a goal to one day write a book to then see it in a library ....
if i can't write then i can't do this goal ...

also we in our d.i.d. system hope that one day someone who has questions or ???? may find there way here and possibly the "forbidden" writeing may help them .. just never know ... i'm interested in doing some research on advocacy and start to advocate for people with d.i.d. sometimes the world is very unkind to those of us with it ... a sad statement on society . others of diffrent race color creed religions orientations have been networking i hope soon more with d.i.d. will feel HEY IT"S NOT MY FAULT I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS ... and feel safe to be more open .

hot day here seasonal allergys acting up ... so gotta go now ....

some basics about d.i.d.

2008-07-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

most of us have really poor computer skills (those inside out d.i.d. system ) we do have a small group who are great at fixing the glitches we make .

D.I.D. stands for dissociative identity disorder ... once called mpd . the basic behind the haveind d.i.d. is there was too much highly intense abuse as a small child ... some how some kids do what is called splitting and the mind breaks and a second alter / personality is created . then over time more pressures more splits more personality come into exhistance ....

the term d.i.d. people use for non d.i.d. is singletons . most seem curios about what it's like to have other personalitys ... and we are curious abot what it's like not to have the others inside .
some integrate and merge the others into one or two ... others may decide not to , or like me can't ... and so close to being 50 .... don't want too . we have learned to cope creatively and are so used to the others and working in teams it's just normal for us ...

we do not hide the fact we have it and honestly most people who know have simply accepted it as yah she has d.i.d. but isn't strange weird or whaco ... just a bit diffrent at times ... (because there is a diffrent personality out)

most of the time we just are aware the others are there but don't need to think we need this one or that one to help with this job or task .... each just kinda shows up .... and a team then goes to do the what needing done .

we also have internal privacy . each has their own place to go to think , rest or simply nap ... inside we have created places over the years where we used visual imagery to make being inside more interesting ... with me / us all know the inside world is our own creation and never spills into the outside world . for us the outside world is exactly the same as for singletons ... no one hears things from the outside or sees things from the outside that is not real ... no hallutinatios . we are well able to keep the real world real and seperated from our inside world .

each personality is unique and has their own likes and dislikes .... some want to watch this show on tv others say no lets watch this .

they come in all ages little little kids to grownups they also have their own gender female and males . males are said to develop as protectors .... some kids stay little kids some kids are still kids but can think more like older ones do ....

over many years we have developed a pretty comfortable set of systems and have less crisis and mor fun ... the thing held most in common is artistic talents that we are working to start our own copy art poster bizz ... we are also physically disabled so being into art and writeing come in more handy then oh more physical things ... we can't climb a physical mountain ... but in our recovery we have climed many mountain size problems ....

more later

hey jigsaw if ...

2008-07-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

if you are reading this toby fixed it right .... these address things are just so confuseing .

no summer fun

2008-07-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

i have serious seasoal allergys and it limits what i can do . i like to breathe more easily ....
things are still goung pretty well .

i'm working with some d.i.d. blogs and find sometimes it's easy then other times we feel so absolutly exposed ... the pollen is still low today but feels like it's count is riseing . so this needs to be short . it's best in the middle of the night ... too tired ....

i'll try to a) remember to post tonight hey d.i.d. is a memory kind of disorder ...
b ) have something of interest to post

tryed this earlier : ooops

2008-07-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

i tryed to start this blog a few months ago but got scared and quit ... by the tag riskherd ... it would imply that i choose to take risks . so when i and the others inside chicken out . . . we go back and try again .

my life has moved from sloow to fast forward and it's stressing at times ... the copy art bizz is starting to buzz .. had a showing and sold 5 out of 6 pix .. not too shabby for a new artist in the crowd here in touristville usa . my faith in GOD has been a mighty help in this time of hurry up ... for years my life was slow speed most of the time . I / we find this new speed a real challange and are finding we are up to maintaining it for now . BUT for some reason we really enjoy takeing on new challanges .

lately my head has been so full of gee gotta tell someone , this is so neat ... decided to try the blog thing again ... i'm learning more about computer skills , the hard way ... those little "help" clickers are really good once you understand how to word things .

been a pretty long and busily productive day ... time to close the shop and take a ten hour nap ... good night and God bless